If you’re reading this, you most likely have a Facebook or Twitter or Instagram account. And I’m sure you’re aware by now that certain things are kosher, and certain things are frowned upon. Things that may alienate you at the next family gathering or work event. Well, I’m here to help you navigate through that sticky, unpredictable world we call the internet. Consider my obsessive, overuse of social media as a sacrifice for you.
1. Pretend like everything’s fine. Nothing’s wrong! Everything’s fine! My kids always look like they’ve been coiffed by Chanel’s hair stylists! God forbid you offend that mom in your neighborhood who can’t deal with anything being wrong or negative. You know she’s there, breathing down every post you write. That would be mean if you reminded your social media community that kids are dying in Syria. Just plain rude. Don’t be that person.
2. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FEELINGS. Now, there are many downfalls to this common social media blunder. In fact, so many I have created a sub-categories. You’re welcome.
a. A friend or family member will project all of their discomfort with feelings onto yours, criticize the hell out of you, and accuse you of unethical things. Speaking for a friend, of course.
b. You may be labelled a “snowflake”. Even though this is an uneducated attempt by the right to twist literal chemicals in your body that keep you alive into weakness, you don’t want this. Believe me. No-no-no, YOU WEAK LITTLE SNOWFLAKE!
c. Someone will pity you. And that’s DAMN annoying.
d. You will get that reputation. THAT reputation. Like, that crazy Mom that everyone talks about on the playground. “Did you SEE what she wrote about her husband?! She must be off her meds. And he handmade a Moana cake for their 5 year old last year!!”
e. People will immediately assume you meant only this one emotional outburst for the rest of time. Like, if you said you hated slow Dunkin-Donuts workers, people will immediately jump on your back for being discriminatory against disabilities. Snowflakes.
3. Don’t take political sides. You’re so above that. Plus like, you live in a small town and so-and-so voted for Trump and your kid is friends with their kid and WHAT IF you got in a Facebook fight with them about how the meme they posted said that it was OK to lynch people of color again. You definitely don’t want to be the person who stands up for what’s right. That’s sickening.
4. Don’t ask for parenting advice. Aunt Gladys will tell you to slap them, the attachment/Montessori moms you know will scorn you for even mentioning the words “sleep training”, and then there’s the moms who will say in no fewer words that you’re crazy because THEIR kid never did that. NOT EVERYONE LOOKS BACK ON THE FIRST SIX MONTHS WITH ROSE COLORED GLASSES, OK MIRANDA?
5. Do not take selfies if you’re over 35. You will be known as that selfish, self-obsessed Mom who never really grew out of her adolescent phase and people will laugh at your confidence. The people you know will drink wine and scoff at you. “Why can’t she hate herself intensely, the way women are supposed to at our age?”
6. Do not correct Uncle Rick when he posts…anything. YER SPOSED TO RESPECT YER ELDERS, YA HEAR? IF UNCLE RICK WANTS TO BUILD A WALL IN HIS YARD TO KEEP IMMIGRANTS OUT, LET HIM!
7. Definitely invite people to Jamberry Parties and make them give you Candy Crush lives. People love that shit.
8. Do not post song lyrics. This is sort of like #5. Half of your friends will think you’re bipolar, and the other half will wonder if a hormonal 15 year old boy hacked into your computer. Especially if it’s Mumford and Sons. Also, expressing yourself with song lyrics is way more combative that telling Uncle Rick to f%ck off.
9. Do NOT have an identity outside of “Parent” if you are one. How selfish. Seriously? I baked like 354 organic lunches for the rest of the year. While I did Crossfit WHILE balancing the baby in a Boba wrap. Plus, modelling happiness for your kids is so 1995.
Now, this list is by no means exhaustive. You may feel it appropriate to add your own experiences that you’ve garnered through piloting your way through the dark corners of
humanity social media. But, dear reader, remember this, above all else:
Definitely do not be a real, messy, flawed human being.
You heard it here first.